Welcome to the Darwen Collective site where you can be free to voice your opinion on any matters that concern Darwen and only Darwen, like "why do i have to que up for 2 hours in the post office just to buy a stamp and then que up behind the same people in greggs buying there giropasties?" or maybe something like "why is it that as soon as the sun peeps out from behind our everlasting Darwen clouds, all the lads take there tops off and sit outside any available pub" and for god sake "why has the woman in the chicken shop, you know the one with the make-up, why has she never been promoted?, give her a break the poor cow!" Stuff like that.
News Headlines
Armed empty box robbery 5th June 2005
Seems we have our very own Ronnie Biggs in Darwen, congratulations to the well executed well planned armed robbery of a securicor van outside sainsbury's, seems these intelligent criminals managed to mastermind getting away with a brand new expensive empty box.
Roxy Night Club Refurbishment
Yes folks – Its true! Yet another refurbishment for Darwen’s finest Nightclub, it will be closed in two weeks and undergo major development. It will open 6 months later and look exactly the fukin same apart from the carpet, which will be a deeper red, and it will cost you an extra fukin fiver. The slags that were there last time will still be there, only their pizza and spunk filled bellies will be a tad bigger. The same young unemployed cocky twats will be there too, and to maintain that traditional Darwen feel, you’re almost guaranteed to get glassed.
Our insider has also told us that there will be a name change too. These are the names that they are toying with:
The Last Resort
Bag a Slag
It cant be as bad as last time
The front room
Iraq
STD
Gone Bombing Music Live 2005
Much like an ordinary weekend in Darwen, lots of people wearing lots of gold and very little clothes standing in gangs supping cans of ale causing fights not really paying any attention to the whole point of the festival. On a lighter note, it's nice to see a community coming together to condition our next generation into consuming huge amounts of alcohol, pissing in the street and breaking various windows along the main road.
Armed Robbery update.
Seems we have an eye witness to the empty box robbery.
The person seen hot footing it from the securicor van was male, aged 18 to 21 with a grey and spotty complexion, a fuzzy 'council tash' and bad teeth. He was wearing a fake lacost tracksuit and kicker boots, the tracksuit bottoms were said to be tucked into the offenders socks, and he was garnished with an array of fake gold, including: a very thick chain, an equally as thick braclet and a signet ring.
The offender was later seen outside an unnamed pub with a young pregnant girl wearing black leggings and a pink tracksuit top. She had a black eye and was smoking heavily. They were said to be, and I quote: "Either absolutely fukin leathered or coked up to fuck."
Police have now narrowed it down to 90% of Darwen's population.
Have Your Say (on life dodgers like these)
Mr C Willcox, "Why is it that when i catch a bus these days i have to listen to useless, no brained absolute fucking scumbag scrotums wearing half mast tracksuits and grubby caps talking about goin on a mish to the 24 for some skins or arranging to meet up at the health centre to pick up there methedone?
Mr Anonymous, "I blame the catalogue shop"
Mr Alan Hands, "I must express severe concern toward the security staff outside kazzys late last thursday night. as i quede up for what seemed to be an eternity one of the staff whom shall remain nameless decided it would be a good idea to slice my frock with a filleting knife. To my astonishment the doorman just hacked away at my garment until it was left in complete disrepair. I tried to reason with him by kneeing him in the sprouts but this just was`nt an option he just kept on slashing and splitting my brand new shellsuit frock top. even my incesant weeping was`nt a deterant. It was only when i offered to buy him a kebab that he let me loose.Honestly Doormen".
P.rorke "Is it me are is the entire darts playing population living in darwen?"
J.Frost "Whilst walking into town the other day i couldnt help noticing the increasing amount of kirb barf which appears both saturday and sunday and occasionally the odd weekday if theres a funeral on. can anyone tell me why people dont chew pizzas?"
A.Manning, Alfred St Darwen. There was a time when i used to be able to walk the streets at night but now i just run!
John millner "Darwens not the same anymore without the tram shed, i used to use that as my excuse when i arrived home late from the roxy. "im sick off this why r u late ome again!"my sleepover dad would say. "the trams was late" i would say. And a man wearing a shellsuit mask dragged me down back ducworth st in front of all his toothless mates and tried to rob my farrahs. Theres no guidelines anymore just wots up with the system man".
M.Alan "I must admit to being utterly disgusted by the new proposal to build a septic tank rite in the town centre,forgive my ignorance but isnt there allready one there?"
T.westwell "Is it me or does the public transport system in darwen smell of kids piss and hubba bubba?"
Ida
"Several years ago i had a steady job at greasy joes newsagents.After
a short time i had a change of career and jumped another rung up the ladder
to sweep hair up in crazy daves barbers shop.The pay was top dollar back
in those days, i was on 2an6 a week just for sweeping up. After my time
with crazy hunchback dave i applied for a job in the retail industry at
robbin ronnies but nothin came of it. Having done so many things with my
life i decided to have a sex change at the local health centre and it was
Dr Greasedglovedhand who was to perform the delicate surgery on my spuds.
It just peaves me to see so many of darwens youth community going down the
wrong path and not living there lives to the max unlike us old timers."
S.Suit
"Me an mi maytes
tried to rob natwest lastneght but we got caught coz rob adnt cut his tash
for a few days and it got snebbed on the winda latch like haaa"
R McHugh "Why is it that the jock population of darwen flipantly jump in and out of a scotch accent depending on who they are talkin shit to, especially in the bookmakers".
P.Griffen
"I recently purchased
some new premises in darwen to get my donor kebab business
up and running.To my shock and complete aw the building had become overridden
with bag edds and smackies. I tried to get the offending bodies removed
by the local police but they had a film to watch that day".
Mr
K lomax c.s.a Supermarket Inspection Report Darwen Lancs July 05.
Sommerfield- This inspection took place during the
annual Darwen music live festivities and it does not reflect the overall
upkeep and maintainence on the shop floor. My first impression of the store
was one of dismay.A quick tour of the isles confirmed my disapointment as
there was a dirty 12 year old pez with a can of swan gas vomiting in a fridge.My
heart sank as i turned the corner to find 2 middle aged scotch women bundling
bacon into there handbags and feuding over gammon.My jaw dropped through
the floor on the next isle when i saw 253 kurds in a fridge. Alcohol was
in major supply to feed the countless thousands of winnots adourning the
town center.Full stacks of tennants and special brew lined the fridges at
the back of the store and there was a 2for1 on treacle in the fridge.The
bread isle stole my breath because of the whiff.There was an immediate tang
of cheap deodarant and body odour brimming in the bread fridge.
Iceland- The layout was pleasing apart from the locals pushing me aside to grab the 50 items for a quid offer in the fridge.The back wall of the store was all brand new pasta an sauce fridges and there was also a huge flour fridge for flour.The staff were minging, stunk and the female cashier had a council tash and she had to catch her breath because it had escaped and it fuckin reeked.
Netto- I cringed as my rather wide ass squeezed through the entrance turnstile and led me to the first isle.I could overhear a conversation about chappie dog meat being overpriced but I turned a blind eye.I almost collapsed near the meat fridges due to the intense guff. When I finally arrived at the checkout after queing for 20 minuits behind a sweaty alki, my jaw hit the floor when I realised that the carrier bags were more expensive than half of the products they sold.The cashier looked like something out of a tin.
Quality shave- Theres just no need have a quality save anywhere on earth.
A&M Bargains- After collecting my breath after mounting 400 steps after a pie an chips and a cayke and a cream Danish and a fag, I entered the store,collected a basket and began my inpection.The shelving to my left was matted with pubes and dandruff and had not been cleaned for quite a while, whilst the floor looked like it had been covered with a used carpet from a skip.The staff all looked like newts with makeup on and they all had the tang off counterfeit CKone.Two of them were wearing enough fake gold to make a fish and there was a lack of fridges.
I walked straight passed boots.
Audiotech- HOW AND WHY?
This concludes my report and im now going for a secluded dungeon wank.
