Mr Tbag. Somebody has recently whizzed a half burnt mattress into my back garden and its starting to take root.Should i remove it or let nettles grow on it so i can make soup.
No
L.Bow. I own a very large property with an extensive front lawn which reaches out to a main road.When an event or concert takes place at the local cricket ground my dahlias and rodedendrums take a gud smattering of drunks urine and the odd stool.Will this effect my daughters opinions on gardeningness or will it just make her aids worsen.
Yes
D.syndwome. A neighbour told me that boar shit makes your busy lizzies bloom like fuck, is this true or is he pullin mi leg....
No
k.bandwith. My birds shitter looks like one of them rubber tea towel holders that you put on your cupboard doors.
Oh
P.miass. We recently buried our weekend dad in the front garden. Everything went well and we hav'nt been caught yet but is there anything i can do to mask the intense stench?
No
P.Parker. Me and the wife want to play mudfights with a huge mound of clay we found under the sink.Is this safe or do we need to use bought in mud, or shall i just crack the bitch with a wet growbag?
Yes
O.hizedd. Last week i burnt the wife on a big bommy on my pen but the bones just wont go.If i burry em and the police find them will i get ganged bummed and have shit smudged into my eyes or will men come and do me dry in the ass.
Yes
A.grove. Giant cats keep shittin in us garden and everytime i go to shuvel it up they all gang up on me and call me horrible names like Pig and Nastyslice.Please help, im at my wits end and im in fear of my life and i claim incapacity benefit.
Drive off summat high!!!
N.mibia. As a wise man once said "The fruit will grow if you give it a blow" I tried this and contracted fryupneck which deems me unfit to exhale onto growing produce.The wiseman has ruined my entire life and i would love to spitroast his bird.
Do it!
On.mott. Asda have got a superb offer on venus Williams traps this week.2for12.
No
SourCrap. I caught venus Williams trying to chew my new seedlings so I belted her with my spade.Is there a venus repellent you can buy or do you need to keep buying traps?
Dunno
A.prowler. Ive made a pair of grunts out of thistles and the spikes keep poppin my spotty rip.Can you suggest a better plant to use because my uncle keeps fucking my niece in the ass.
No
Tick kunt. Do slugs overpower snails in the quest for dandelion meat.
Why
I.khan. Yesterday I was pruning my bush when a 5000 strong bee army leapt out and stung my 2 year old daughter to death, then a patrol of suicide flies turned up so I shot the wife and fucked off in my neighbours JCB.Is there a preventative measure I can take to stop rootcramp?
Not assed! Kill yourself!!
Roly off grange hill. Is there a specific method for pricking out in summer or is it the same in winter.
Not tellin you
Ken. Why do people always relate gardening with having green fingers.Im a keen gardener and my fingers are shit coloured, and that’s not because ive had them down the wife.
Have you shit?
Pete. Would you recommend concreting the whole garden because
gardening and gardeners are wank?
Yes
T.mato. Does mulching shit destroy your ability to smell and if it does will my privot bushes gain from a good dose of mulched up shit.
Jump
B.sken. I recently got caught voyeuring behind one of my thorn bushes.Can you suggest a more rotund bush so I don’t get caught stabbin one out over the neighbours wife.
Die
T.mans. I was advised last week to frequently add industrial fertilizer to my wifes coffee so she would eventually die of swollen twat and I could shovel her beneath the new pool were having installed.Would this affect the soil quality and make it more acidic the fat bitch.She was rather wide.
No
V.Pire. Does adding dead virgins blood to your chillies make them taste more metallic like an on dog?
No
T.vicars. Unlike any other normal human I decided to put my greenhouse on the front garden on full public display.Could you suggest anything to disperse a crowd when im hangin out the wife?
Bleed to death!
E.thusiasm. I planted some spuds 3 years ago.Why?
Fuck off
R.warouse. Weve just had crazy paving laid down and the dog keeps laying beef pate portions on it.Is this due to the dog constantly eating kebabs or is there a more common excuse like “I cant be assed takin the dog out Barbara you do it you fat slut”.
Fatty acids
G.memory. Weve had hanging baskets for years with nothing in them.Can you tell us why we have nothing in them or is it just because there is nothing in them………..
Hang
P.rick. I poured salt on a slug yesterday and it curled up like when ive just dropped out the bird.Is there a better way of murdering slugs or just maiming them for a bit.
Implode
S.Gumbo. If I accidentally drank weedol whilst having a posh nudge would I become alan titmarshes understudy or would I have to fuck that ginger bitch with the peardrop nipples and hair like shes been abandoned and dragged down a country lane tied to a bmx.
No
R.hard. Can you tell me if kim wilde is turning into a virtual trunk.Slag!
No
M.He. Is there a species of plant that grows randomly on a specific field called the “CROCK”?
Burn