Aries
This month you will come into some money, about 40 quid or so, you must buy food with this because you are looking a bit malnutritioned!
Taurus
The wind is blowing in my direction this month, please stay indoors!
Gemini
As the new moon enters uranus this week dont neglect matters that are dear to your heart. Avoid a heavy man in a burberry tracksuit who may be out to decept you. You`ll find luck in a 3rd hand netto bag full off sick.
Cancer
Chance a meeting with a stranger this week and visit the local brothel or baghouse.With arora and the tri nebula colliding, your chances of finding your partner in bed with one of the neighbours kids takes a step in the right direction. Luck points to a burnt wheelie bin.
Leo
You`ll recieve some tragic news this week about a close family member overdosing in the back of a thermonuclear protected oakley peugot with alloys and blacked out windows. Luck points to a fry one get one free offer at the crematorium.
Virgo
All your birthdays come at once this week when a burning lorry careers through your front window and wipes out your family and a nieghbour. You`ve no luck.
Libra
Take the time to pamper yourself as this could be the last time due to your untimely death on friday.
Scorpio
Invite the family round for drinks and twister this week.With the pulsars in the gamma quadrant being slightly offset toward the end of the week you may contract Munch. This is a deadly disease of the brain stem and you`ll be buried within the week.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you dont trust other people in team situations and this is making you perform like a checkout employee at netto.Dont be discouraged by this because if people arnt team players the`yd end up in lesser employment at lidl.
Capricorn
You dont always find it easy to get close in intimate situations because the years of methadone and ranchers 90 second burgers are demising your ability to run a bath you fuckin fat annoyin tramp.
Aquarius
Lightning strikes you today and you go from looking like a catalogue model to a fuckin nursing home resident in a flash.
Pisces
The good prophet mohammed once said"Tinny can you ged a lay on like..."unlike the prophet you become mute for the rest of your days and end up tied to a wall.
